Okay, so, I’m sure you’re all asking yourselves a million questions about me. So let me try and answer them all at once through the exploration of a single theme.

 Anacin is my favorite breakfast food. Let me try and tell you why.

 I like to enter a cocktail party through a side door near the back of the room, at breakneck speed, as if I had a four foot length of 2x4 held in both hands. And listen to the sound in my brain as my imaginary 2x4 goes thwack, thwack, thwack across the foreheads of any party goers leaning against the wall. And I let this imaginary violence slow me down, to a respectable striding speed. And then I scan the crowd, checking for anybody I know. I give myself five seconds. And then calculate my limit.

 I award myself an extra drink per hour for every four acquaintances I spot in those five seconds. My allowance is 3 plus the acquaintance bonus. (e.g. If I see 7 acquaintances in my five second scan then my limit is 3 + (7/4) = 5 drinks per hour). So then, off to the bar to drink half my first hour's allowance right away.

 But, do you want to hear this translated from fantasy into reality?